Clouded Mind
by Sardius
Summary: *Chapter One is up!* Yohji believes he was the one responsible for Aya's death. But is he? And what are the real reasons behind this tragedy? Pairing: Yohji/Aya, Please R/R! (In Progress)
1. Prologue: Remembrance

**Title:** Clouded Mind

**Author: **Sardius

**Category: **Angst/Romance

**Warnings:** PG-13

**Pairings: **Yohji/Aya

**Disclaimer: **Getting a bit tired with the disclaimer. I don't own the boys; I just love to torture them! 

**Author's Note:** [I FINALLY was able to upload this after trying so many times. Hope you guys enjoy. .]

Sorry for my lack of posting lately. My poor friend Lilla is having some problems with her comp and also these days, I seem to have lost my inspiration to write. Anyway here's the new fic. It's a bit different than my other fics, less sappy with a good dose of angst. If you would like me to continue this, by all means, review me or email me to let me know. Thanks. 

Many thanks to my beta; Lilla and I hope your dear Bobo will be okay again.

**Some things to note in this fic:**

Internal monologue is marked with this: [] and are in Italics. In this case, it will be mostly Yohji's thoughts.

The rest that are in Italics are flashback of the conversation that is part of Yohji's memories. 

**Prologue: Remembrance**

"I want you to slowly relax and close your eyes. Let go of all your stress and imagine you are in this green meadow. The sky stretch continuously above you as you hear the chirping of the birds, the cries of the seagulls, the crashing of the waves…"****

I let myself float effortlessly in my dreams. Hunting for that sense of silence. That peace I craved for more than anything else. The space that only I knew exists, that pleasant place, so quiet, so beautiful.

_"Fuck you Aya. You always have to be that way, don't you?"_

_"It doesn't matter to you what I do anyway."_

That voice. So familiar. I wanted to know whom it belongs to. Someone in my past? Someone I knew. Or was it just a figment of my imagination?

_"It doesn't have to be that way."_

_"You made it this way."_

No…. No I never did anything. You were the one that started this. You were the one that made me do this. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have Aya.

Aya. No. Fujimiya Ran.

The silence was breaking. It was getting to be too much. I wanted to go back to my dreamscape. The sound of the waves crashing on the shore, the beautiful sunset reflecting on the water, everything had felt so right just moments ago. 

_"Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn?"_

_[No don't let me go back there. I don't want to remember. I don't want to know. I don't know who Aya is. Someone I have forgotten a long time ago. Someone that no longer exists. Don't…please don't take me back there.]_

"Tell me Yohji. What do you see? Can you remember what happened that night? Was it raining? 

_[Stop! Don't ask me again. No more. Let me out. Let me out of here.]_

_"I'll fucking kill you!"_

_[Stop!]_

_"Then do it."_

_[No! No more.] _

"DO IT!!!!"

"NOOOOOO!!!!"

I felt my body jerk upright as I forced my eyes to open, gasping, taking in short quick painful breaths. My chest hurt; the pain thundering in my skull slowly decreased as I tried to take in a few steady breaths. Sweat glistened on my forehead as I could tell that my cheeks were wet.

The wetness of tears. My tears.

"Yohji. It's okay. You're safe now. Everything is okay."

I flinched as I felt someone touching me on the shoulder. My mind slowly registered who she was. Dr Tsukasa, my psychologist. I glared at her angrily and flinched away from her hand. She smiled warmly at me and gave me a glass of water. I tried to stop my hands from shaking as I took the glass from her and let the cool liquid slid down my parched throat.

I hadn't wanted to go. But Ken and Omi had insisted I should get some treatment. 

[It's pointless. They think I am sick or something and needs to see a fucking doctor. They don't understand anything.]

"Your progress was quite good today Yohji. Please come back next week, the same time. And make sure you take the pills I gave you."

"I don't need to take the fucking pills."

Dr Tsukasa stopped writing and arched a delicate eyebrow at me. She was a fair-skinned woman, with long burgundy hair, reaching down past her shoulders and clear sapphire eyes.Today she was wearing a loose button up blouse and a pale crimson skirt, matching the scarf tied around her neck. She smiled warmly at me again, amusement tinkling in her eyes. 

"Oh really? Who was the one that constantly complained about lack of sleep?"

I grumbled something under my breath and grabbed my coat, which was lying next to the chair. I wanted to get out of this place as soon as possible.

It's enough to drive me absolutely insane.

The sudden ring of the phone made me jump again. I knew who it was the instant she picked up the phone. It was Omi. As usual. Checking up on me. I couldn't blame the kid. Since they had found out I had missed a whole month of psychiatric sessions, they had been furious. It had got to the point where Ken had to accompany me to the appointments every week and wait outside of the room till I finished. I hated that.

_[I am not a fucking kid that needs therapy.]_

_But you need help Yohji. Let us help you._

"Oh yes Omi-san. He did come today. Just about to leave actually."

I grimaced and stormed out of her room, closing the door behind me. Why couldn't they leave me alone? I buttoned up my coat and tied the woollen scarf around my neck. 

_[I hate the winter in Tokyo. So damn cold, half the time I'm either running to the car or staying in my room for the whole of the night.]_

_You never go out anymore. You always lock yourself up in your room. Don't be like this Yohji._

_It wasn't your fault._

"Fucking get out of my head."

I swore silently as a few women whispered while I walked past them, shifting away as if I were some crazy lunatic talking to himself. The wind continuous blew around me, I huddle in my coat, seeking for any bit of warmth available, wishing I had taken seven with me today instead of walking on this god-forsaken street. 

_It wasn't your fault._

_[Don't lie to me Ken. Everything is my fault. Everything. I can't sleep anymore. Every time I close my eyes, I can see him asking me the same question again and again. "Why?" And I can't do anything but scream. Asking him to leave me alone, leave me in peace.]_

_[I don't remember. I don't remember how I killed him. I can remember arguing about something and then the next thing I knew I held a gun in my hand, my face covered with blood. His blood. So much of his blood on me. Everywhere. And he was there, lying so cold in my arms, his eyes closed.]_

And I realised I was the one. I was the one that pulled the trigger. 

I was the one who killed him.

Since then when I woke up, I couldn't recall anything. Where I was, what I'd done. I sat there in the hospital room telling myself over and over again that it wasn't me. It wasn't me that had pulled the trigger. It was an accident. Nothing more. Omi and Ken had quickly gotten rid of all the evidences before the police came, telling them I was in shock after finding my friend lying dead in my room. 

_It wasn't your fault._

"Goddamn it! It is my fault."

I could not stop the tears threatening to fall down from my eyes. I was so tired of all of this. It was my fault Ran. It was my fault. I was the one that killed you. 

I was the only one to blame. 

******

TBC~~~~

All right. I have no idea where I got this twisted idea. Sorry to say I didn't tell you this was a deathfic in the beginning, thought it might be good not to spoil the moment. Although you probably all have guessed half way through the fic. So what do you reckon? I was thinking of throwing this away but the muse is being evil as usual and won't let me out of this. Sigh….

**Next update: I Could Give all to Time - Chapter 3**

Oh btw: I started a ML for my fics. Let's just say, ff.net is giving me more trouble than I can imagine and I need a place for all my fics. *sobs*

Here's the link: [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sardius_fics/][1] There's not much at the moment but I'll be updating most of my fics there. Also to make life easier for ppl to know which fic I am updating and when. Thanks.

Sardius.

   [1]: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sardius_fics/



	2. Dreams

**Title:** Clouded Mind

**Author:** Sardius

**Category:** Angst  

**Warnings:** PG-13

**Pairings:** Yohji/Aya 

**Disclaimer:** Getting a bit tired with the disclaimer. Once again, I don't own the boys; I just love to torture them.

**Author's Note:** Aa. Thanks for your comments! Wasn't going to continue this fic cos I initially didn't like the idea but well might as well give it a try. Things may get a bit confusing but please bear with me for now, promise it will get better once I write more chapters. Still playing around with the idea, so hope you guys like what I have done! ^____^

Once again, tons of thanks to dear Lilla for the beta read. 

And yes I know what I was meant to be updating. But getting to the important bits of colours so don't wanna rush it! So please forgive me. 

**Chapter One: Dreams**

There was a time when I thought I'd rather die than being tormented by dreams. Dreams that cannot be stopped, dreams that forever haunt me till I lay down gasping for breath. And each shuddering breath brought me closer and closer to the pain. Pain that was so unbearable, that it ripped my heart into shreds. 

_[Aya.]_

His face will always appear in my dreams. So beautiful and yet so deadly. He was like a beautiful rose that cannot be touched, covered with thorns that may make you bleed; a trail of crimson blood emerging, and splattering onto the ground.

I looked up and saw his face and then his eyes widening in shock.

Then it was wet. Everything was soaked. The splatter of blood bathed my face, covering me, making me taste the blood of my sin.

_"Why?"_

His voice was so emotionless. I looked down to see the beautiful redhead lying in my arms, the amethyst eyes slowly glazing as they kept questioning me, always asking the same thing.

_"Why?"_

"Oh God Aya. I didn't mean to. I swear to you, I didn't do it. It wasn't me."

_[Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. ]_

Tears. Hot trail of tears slid down my cheeks, mixing with his blood. I kept telling him over and over again that it hadn't been me. I hadn't meant to. I didn't want to. It…it just…I…

_[Then what happened?]_

_It had to be you. Who else could it be? You were the only one in the room at the time. No one else was there. Just you and him. Ridiculous of you to think someone else killed him instead. I mean you were the one pulling the trigger. You were the one that held the gun towards his heart. _

_[No…. Oh God. Fucking leave me alone!!!]_

_Hm. Oh don't worry. I'm sure you didn't mean to. After all, you loved him didn't you? And yet what provoked you to kill your own love? You had already killed that bitch before and now your precious orchid too died at your hands. Isn't life just full of surprises? ___

_[Please…oh please stop. I don't want to hear this anymore]._

_Getting tired already? You're so selfish Yotan. Always putting the blame on someone else and never admitting to the truth. You even lied to your friends. I wonder what they will say when they find out you were the one that killed their teammate? Will they even trust you anymore?_

_[After all, you're just a ruthless killer. A murderer. Don't you agree?]_

_["NOOOOOOOOO!"]_

*     *     *     *     *     *

"Yohji-kun! Yohji! Wake up!"

"NOOO! It wasn't! It wasn't me! I swear it. Oh God I swear it wasn't me. Please…. please believe me." I was shaking. I couldn't control the way my body shook every few minutes as I tried to force myself to breathe through my nose. Sweat had gathered on my forehead, my legs had gotten tangled together in the bundle of sheets. 

Someone was holding me. A voice that kept whispering as my vision slowly cleared.

"It's okay. I believe you. No one is here to hurt you Yohji-kun."

I tensed and pushed the warm body away. My eyes met bright blue ones as I backed away from Omi. 

"What…what are you doing here? Get…get out."

Omi looked at me worriedly. I tried to make myself calm down but all I wanted was just to be left alone in my room. I had woken up in the middle of the night again; as usual my nightmares must have woken the others up. I looked away to see Ken standing by the door, his eyes darting towards Omi, and me as if trying to decide what to do.

"Yohji-kun. It's okay. You were screaming in your dreams and I just wanted to help you."

"I don't need your fucking help." I snapped, " God! Why can't you people understand that?!"

Shit. I looked up to see Omi who was almost in tears. I cursed myself for having shouted at the kiddo. He was only trying to help and yet, I kept pushing them all away.

"For someone that constantly screams every night, you seem pretty sure that you don't need any help." 

"Ken-kun!"

Ken was looked angrily at me as he came in and pushed the bottle of pills towards me. "Dr Tsukasa said you forgot to take them with you. You should be more careful next time."

I looked at the bottle of pills sitting in front of me, my mind already drifting back to the dream I had had just moments ago. Always I would dream of the same thing. Aya would be lying in my arms, his blood splattered on my face as I kept telling him I wasn't the one that had killed him.

Yet this time it was different. This time someone was speaking to me other than myself. Someone that could tell what I was feeling and could taste my fear. He kept blaming me over and over again and I couldn't stop him. I wanted him to shut the fuck up. I wanted…

"Yohji-kun!"

"Nani?" Omi was holding onto my shoulders tightly. Fear appeared in his bright blue eyes as he asked if I was okay. I shrugged, trying to sound like I was fine. In fact all I wanted to do at this very moment was just kill myself.

"Omi. I'm sorry. I'm okay. I…I just had a bad dream. Sorry."

I used to never ever say that word. Sorry. But ever since that incident, it is all I can ever say. Sorry. As if saying the word I can repent of my sin. But in fact I am afraid. I'm afraid that one day they will leave me should they ever find out the truth. If they knew I was the one that killed Aya. 

_[If only they knew, would they still be here now?]_

_After all, you're just a ruthless killer. A murderer. Don't you agree?_

"Ummm…okay Yohji-kun. You need your rest. Just let me know if you need anything okay?"

I didn't even look up to see them leaving, only realised I was finally by myself when the door closed. I got up shakily and locked the door, running my fingers through my tangled locks. 

I grabbed a packet of cigarettes and lit one up with my lighter. Trying to stop my fingers from shaking, I took a long drag and let the smoke fill my lungs.

Another nightmare. 

_[When will it ever end?]_

*     *     *      *      *      *

**[Flash Back]**

_"Kudoh, if you don't get up this minute I'll leave you there by yourself."_

_"Oh God love, it's like Sunday morning. A guy needs his sleep."_

_"Hn."_

_Aya had always been like that. Talking to him was more like talking to myself half the time. Sometimes he would just sit by himself on the bed and stare outside of the window, his mind deep in thoughts. I had never told him how beautiful he looked when he was bathed in the moonlight; his pale skin contrasting so brightly against that silky crimson hair, his eyes glowing faintly by the dim light flooding the room. It made me love him all the more. _

_"I'm going to visit my sister."_

_"Hey I'm coming with you."_

_"…"_

_I don't think he had ever smiled, except when he was around me. And damn, was he beautiful when he smiled. I always just wanted to ravish him right then and there whenever he did that to me. He was a hard one to understand. Always thinking about how he didn't deserve love and all that bullshit. Took me ages to get him to understand that he needed me as much as I needed him._

_"Yohji… when I am gone one day, what will you do?"_

_"Huh? Well that won't happen because I'll die first."_

_"Why is that?"_

_"Ha. Because you are too stubborn to die kitten."_

_He always scared the wits out of me whenever he suddenly mentioned something so serious. Probably because half the time he was so closed up, it amazed me when he did talk to me about deep, meaningful stuff. You know how thick headed the guy could get._

_"Promise me something Kudoh."_

_"What?"_

_"If I die… look after Aya-chan for me."_

_"Huh?"_

_"And remember never to regret what you've done."_

_"What are you talking about Aya?"_

_"Promise me."_

_"Aa."_

**[End Flashback]**

*    *     *     *     *     *

"Kudoh-san?"

I looked up to see Dr Tsukasa standing next to me, an expression of deep concern on her face. How long had she been there? I glanced around and realised I must have drifted into my own thoughts again while I was delivering some flowers to the customers. What the hell had I been thinking about standing in the middle of the street?

_"And remember never to regret what you've done."_

I can't even remember I had that conversation with Aya. And…and what did he mean by that? I don't understand.

"Listen Kudoh-san, if you are going to stand thinking the whole day, I suggest you sit down so other people in the street may pass."

Dr Tsukasa was smiling at me as she said this, her hand rested lightly on her hips, the sun shining gently through those chocolate locks as her eyes twinkled with amusement. God, back then I would have picked her up for a date anytime.

_[But now, what was the difference? I am still Kudoh Yohji right?]_

"I'm…err…sorry. Just thinking that's all."

I found myself blabbing, as if I was a small child who had been caught by his parents doing something naughty and was already dreading the punishment. 

"It's okay. Beautiful weather isn't it? Would you come for a drink with me?"

"Huh?"

She laughed. It was strange hearing another's laughter. For the past year, I had hardly smiled or talked with anybody else, except maybe Omi and Ken. Only reason I talked to them was to stop them from pestering me all the time. But now I got her to worry about as well.

"Is this something you should be doing with your client?"

One of her delicate eyebrows rose mockingly at me as if to consider what a stupid question I'd just asked. I felt myself growing more uncomfortable, being no longer used to talking to people for so long. I wanted to go home, maybe I could make up some excuse and say I still needed to head back to the shop…. but I…

"I'm off duty today. Neither am I your psychologist nor are you my client. I'm asking a friend of mine if he would like to have coffee with me?"

"I…." I found myself speechless looking at her, wondering if she is hiding some tricks in her sleeve, just to lure me into her trap. 

She smiled sweetly at me again and started talking, keeping my mind busy, asking me various questions as I tried to answer them. It was actually good to stop thinking for a little while and focus on the conversation we were having.

How long have I been so closed up? Over a year I think.

_[A year since Aya had died in my arms that night.]_

"Kudoh-san? Coming?"

"Errr…. yeah sure."

*     *     *     *     *     *

"So how's the shop going? Still good business?"

"Yeah." She looked at me as if expecting me to elaborate. I sighed. I hate talking to people, these days, and she seemed to be making a point by forcing me to continue. "Ken handles the orders while Omi does the arrangements. I…err… I help out with the deliveries sometimes." 

If Aya were still around, he would probably be doing the arrangement instead of Omi. I remember how I used to watch him during the afternoon shifts as he delicately placed each stem of the roses perfectly into the basket, those hands that were deadly and yet filled with love and affection.

"I take it Omi is still busy with school and Ken is teaching the kids soccer as usual?"

"Yeah."

Once again she looked at me as of expecting me to talk more.

_[God! What the hell does this woman want from me?!]_

"Damn it! What the fuck are you doing to me? Are you trying to play some tricks? I am not falling for it! I'm not one of your stupid clients that nods at every bloody little thing you say so why don't you leave ME the hell alone!"

I was shaking uncontrollably. My nails digging into the palm of my hands and I realised I was drawing blood. I tried to make myself breathe, anything, I just wanted to go home, go back to my room where it was safe. 

_Oh God…please stop. Not another panic attack! Anything but that._

Something was touching me. Warm. Soft. I looked up to see her hands grasping onto mine, unclenching the fingers I had tightened so tightly into fists. 

"I'm not trying to deceive you. And I am certainly not playing any tricks on you. Just trying to have a conversation with you, Yohji. That is all."

Slowly my vision cleared, I could see Dr Tsukasa face looking at me calmly. I glanced around to see everybody else in the room was looking at me, confusion written in all of their faces_. [Fuck, what have I done now? I didn't mean for this to happen. Always it is my fault. Always.]_

"I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm really sorry. Didn't know what I was doing. Sorry."

She patted my hand reassuringly and continued to sip her coffee. "It's okay. Here." She pushed the hot drink towards me, "Drink this, it will make you feel better."

But instead I just wanted to get the hell out of here.

Suddenly I stood up, wanting to get out of this place, wanting to run home and lock myself in my room. I had made an idiot of myself again. I chuckled. [_Well I am crazy aren't I? No body would want to talk to an insane person like me.]_

"I…I have to go. I promised Omi I have to get back. I…ummm…I'll see you next week."

I almost stumbled from my seat as I tried to hurry out of the café. I grabbed my coat from the rack and tied my scarf around my neck as I glanced back at her. She was looking at me calmly, her eyes never leaving me and it made me felt nervous all the more.  I could feel everyone staring at my back as I pushed the door opened and started running down the street. 

[_Stop looking at me, it wasn't my fault, I didn't mean to.] _

I kept running, everything gliding past in my vision, people looking at me strangely, kids asking their parents what was wrong, people whispering. Always, they would talk about me, about me being a murderer, a killer, nothing more. 

I ran. I never ran so fast and so hard in my life. Everything. I wanted to run away from everything.

It was a while before I stopped. I slumped onto the ground, panting heavily. My vision was once again getting blurry as I tried to gulp down as much air as I could. It was only a few moments before I knew where I was.  

The cemetery.

I had always been afraid to come back here ever since that day. The day, when my life was destroyed, the day where I no longer was Yohji Kudoh.

_[Then who am I?]_

I walked along the pathway. I noticed the cracked concretes, the wild flowers growing around the sides. I didn't need to know where I was heading. I just knew. Already I knew the path deep inside my heart, it was only a matter of seconds before I stood before a grey tombstone.

And there before my eyes are written the words: Fujimiya Ran I kneeled onto the grass; my fingertips delicately tracing the engraved letters of the marker of the person I had killed. Tears threatened to leak out of my eyes as I continued to trace the letters, each bump, each roughness brought more pain in my heart.

"Ran…. I'm so sorry…so sorry…. I… miss you so much…God Ran…. I need you…please come back to me." I kept repeating these words over and over again until it was almost like a chant to me. 

I didn't care if anyone was passing by. All they would probably see was someone kneeling down in front of a tombstone, with his head hidden behind his arms as he sobbed uncontrollably.

_[Ever since that day, I can no longer remember anything. Only the dreams that remind me of your beautiful face, dreams that tells me again and again of the sins I have committed.]_

No one would have noticed someone like me crying in the middle of the cemetery. If they had done so, they would only have felt sympathy for the poor soul and thought the person crying, was only crying for his dead lover. 

But they would never have realised, the person crying wasn't crying for his love, rather he was crying at the blood staining on his hands.

*    *    *    *    *    *

TBC~~~~~

Oh man, really don't know if I should continue this one. If anyone would like to give me any comments, go ahead. It's a really depressing story isn't it? Sorry. I felt like just writing a really angsty fic. As for Yohji's pov, its sightly different than the way I usually write him because he is a little bit crazy in the head so you'll just have to get use to the constant blabbing every now and then.

Like it? Hate it? Let me know pretty please!!!! Thanks for reading. ^___^

Sardius

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sardius_fics


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